Sorry they’re late. I usually confer with the stars to make sure I’m getting all this right, and their Internet connection has been shaky lately.
Taurus: Now is a good time to start some DIY projects. Dentistry, firefighting, hamster breeding, and meteorological forecasting are always good ideas.
Gemini: When you think about it, stop signs are really just a suggestion.
Cancer: That’s a nice jacket you’re wearing. It would be a shame if something were to happen to it.
Leo: You are friendly and outgoing, though you avoid all social situations and experience debilitating shyness almost constantly. You have a calm, equanimous presence, despite your volatility and high-strung temperament. You are one of the tallest people in the world, while at the same time being at the fourth percentile on your growth charts. It’s amazing how well the stars know you.
Virgo: You keep saying that normal is overrated, which is a lovely idea that makes very little practical sense in the context of endocrinological testing.
Libra: You will soon be disappointed to discover that interpretive waltzing is not, has never been, and will never be an employable skill.
Scorpio: The stars are really struggling to understand the inspirational quote you’ve added to your email signature, but hey. You do you.
Sagittarius: You will continue to be convinced that you are “allergic to Taylor Swift,” even though every doctor you’ve seen has told you it’s just eczema.
Capricorn: Stop giving into peer pressure. Just because everyone else is escaping from the active volcano doesn’t mean that you have to.
Aquarius: Unfortunately, your ability to come up with seventeen words that rhyme with “baller” really won’t be enough to guarantee you a successful rapper career.
Pisces: What appears to be a discount on canned soup will actually turn out to be a troublesome subpoena. You might need a lawyer.
Aries: Today is a great day to find a Cancer and steal their jacket.